Do Men Feel the Identity Struggle Too?

For the past week or so, I've been discussing some issues related to the identity of a woman in current American society. Are we really oppressed? Do we have choices? What are those choices when it comes to wanting children and/or working? What are some discussions that couples-to-be need to be having in order to insure fulfillment of both partners?

Today I want to bring men into the picture. Do they deal with these issues of identity too?

Last night Jake and I were discussing this very thing. He was sharing with me his idea that maybe a portion of woman's struggle with her identity is a generational issue. Some women have a hard time making a choice that is different from what her mother, or aunt, or grandmother would think is proper for a woman. Being the first woman to work outside of the home in one's family could be a hard choice. Even if that's what a woman wants, it can feel like she's "oppressed" because she's making a choice that is different than what she saw as "womanly" or "motherly" growing up. It's a crisis of identity that takes significant time, soul-searching and prayer to work through.

Jake said there can be a similar male issue as well. Many men of the older generations have a lot of skills. Many are tradesmen or craftsmen- they know how to weld, they have electrical training, they can build things, they're really handy. When men growing up in that environment decide to do something different- maybe they pursue more academic subjects or decide to be a stay-at-home dad- then they feel a sort of crisis of identity as well. They feel like because they've chosen a different route in life, they don't feel like they have as much to offer. When their dryer breaks, they don't know how to fix it. Instead, they have to call someone else to come fix it. If they want to build a new cabinet space, they have to hire someone else to do it because they just don't know how or don't have the skills to make something that looks nice. They are not "providing for their families" because they stay at home with the kids while the wife is working. It's hard because they're not fulfilling what was considered "manly" growing up.

Things change over time. Roles, responsibilities, expectations. Maybe we as a society need to allow more room for people who want to do things differently or choose paths that look a little odd to the status quo. And as we're beginning to raise the next generation, we may want to constantly be thinking about our expectations for them and how we can allow them freedom in their choices- allowing them to explore who they are and what they like instead of putting (amoral) boundaries around them relating to our likes and dislikes and wants and desires. Of course, much easier said than done. :)

Sleeping update

Several have asked how Aly's sleeping has been going these past few days.

Somehow Aly has begun to sleep through the night again (my definition of this is sleeping from bedtime until 4a (8-9 hours). Anytime after 4a I will feed her, after which she falls asleep immediately and sleeps another 2-3 hours.

I've been perusing several books (I won't get to read any of them closely until my classes are done in a couple weeks), but I'm really enjoying some of the Dr. Sears stuff. The book I've been looking at closest is The Baby Sleep Book. Although I don't like some of Sears' stuff, I do like others. Particularly, they say, "trust your own instincts and make your own decisions about what is best for your individual baby and you" (5). I love how they empower the parents to make decisions based on what works best for the family, instead of saying that one certain way works best for all families.

I think we decided she's too young/sensitive to let her cry it out right now (she's 7.5 months old now). I really think it was separation anxiety at its peak-- she's starting to ease up during the day from being very clingy, so maybe we're on the downhill? Last night was a rough one- she woke up at 1a and then at 4a, wanting to be asleep SO bad, but just very restless, tossing and turning. We gave her some teething tablets, and she went back to sleep after they kicked in.

So, all this to say, I think right now we're taking it night-by-night, knowing that some will be rough due to anxiety issues or not enough food during the day or teething, but as long as we're not noticing a pattern in the times she wakes up, it seems like it's okay and probably related to external circumstances instead of an unable to self-soothe issue. We've heard her cry a little in the middle of the night, but then within a minute or two, put herself back to sleep. Hopefully this means she's learning how to sleep, but other things are just getting in her way?

I'm going to post more of my reading after Christmas!

Big stuff going down!

There's big happenings going on in the Malloy family.

1. We've started potty training with Asante. It's going great. He's taken well to the "just put underwear on and see what happens" method. I'm guessing he just doesn't want to pee on his new Elmo undies :).

2. Tonight we took away the pacifier. After an hour of crying, he fell asleep. We'll see what happens when he wakes up in the middle of the night looking for it. We haven't thrown away the pacifiers though. I'm not sure what we're waiting for, but I feel more secure knowing that they are there, just in case :).

3. Today was also day one of the weaning process for Aly. I think I have a 8-week plan (ish) to stop nursing...this will put her at about 10 months. WAY longer than I ever planned. Right now we're at a bottle a day. She doesn't like it, but she'll get used to it.

Anyway, lots of changes. We figured this would be the best time...I'll be done with school in a couple weeks, so will have the time and energy to devote to these energy-consuming parenting tasks. Pray for us for patience, and the kids for flexibility! They've been rock stars so far.

Need Sleeping Advice!

Well blog friends, I need your opinions-- especially you moms and dads out there who have experience with sleep and kids!

Here's our situation. What would you do?!

Aly: Aly had been sleeping through the night, 10-12 hours without waking up, from 7 weeks - 6 months. Then, all of a sudden, she started waking up to eat once per night, which was fine. She wasn't eating the recommended amount of ounces (only 20-24 oz instead of around 30 oz), so she was probably hungry. We talked to the doctor, and he agreed. She needed that extra feeding until she started eating more during the day. Well, she has gotten up to that point AND started to eat a lot more solids (little bit 3x per day). So, hunger is definitely not an issue anymore. However, she's still waking up 2, 3, sometimes 5 times per night. This has been coupled with her being very clingy to me, and stranger anxiety.

Asante: Has been working on giving up his nap, so on days he doesnt nap, he sleeps from 6p-5:30a. On days he does, 8:00/8:30p-6:00/6:30a.

Momma: I am working on classes from 8:30p-midnight/1:00a most nights.

Dad: Gets up in the middle of the night with Aly AND gets up early most days with Asante since I'm going to bed so late.

This, as you can imagine, makes for a rough time for all of us. Both of us can't nap during the day, because Asante hasn't been taking naps, AND Aly only naps 2-3x per day, for 20-30 minutes each time.

Here's what we've been doing: If Aly doesn't go back to sleep when we go in to soothe her, Jake brings her up to me and I nurse her- she falls asleep- and then sometimes sleeps until the morning. Sometimes Jake ends up sleeping downstairs with her on the couch. I don't want to create bad habits, but, we need to sleep in order to function during the day.

I'm pretty opposed to the Crying It Out method because of Aly's personality. She's incredibly sensitive, and I refuse to allow her to cry to the point of vomiting. We've been trying the "wait 10 minutes" thing, but it's not working.

So, parents and friends, I'm soliciting advice :). What would you do in our situation?